Top 5 places to swim for free in Tempe

So it's hot as balls, you live in a shitty duplex with janky AC, and the public pools are littered with heroin needles and small-bladdered seven year olds. What ever will you do? Break into shit, obviously. But where, and how? We've got the info...

5. Dig a hole!
So the simplest way to stay cool is to bring the pool to you. That's right, dig a hole, fill it with water, and stand in it. Mud is good for the skin... and maybe this will happen?



4. The Buttes
If you're looking for a bit more of a dignified experience, check out The Buttes. This hilltop hotel boasts a beautiful pool, outside bar (remember to order your drinks to room 221), and four secluded hot tubs nestled high in the hills. Tips... remember not to bring a towel. Nothing gives away an interloper like a bath towel at a hotel pool. Walk directly to the elevators on the entry floor and just hit the button to the pool. You never have to walk inside the hotel, or even go by any security. Good times!




3. Adult Swim at the Wyndham
Yeah there's a cover (5 bucks) and its only once a week (2-10 on sundays) but g-damn if its not a good time. 3 dollar pbr, djs all day, extraordinarily cute girls wanting to take your picture, and general weirdness. Plus you're at a pool. On the roof of a hotel. In a city. Take the light rail there and back. The stop is on central and Adams, right across from the hotel. Bring your cool kid glasses.



2. Cliff jumping in sycamore creek canyon.
Think tubing, except instead of baking in the sun while getting anally probed with rocks as you float down a extremly slow moving "river" surrounded 5,000 rednecks, you are alone in a shady canyon, kicking back on a sandy beach with a few friends. Every so often you swim through the cool deep pool of spring water, climb the rocks on the other side and pull a sweet 20-foot gainer into the depths. Bring beer, since the hike into the canyon isn't too long. Camping in the canyon isn't exactly approved, but you're probably a-okay. Check out the caves and indian cliff dwellings a bit past the swimming hole. Directions!

1. Vista Del Sol
You really can't go wrong here. The best sand volleyball in Tempe, pool, jacuzzi, gas bbq, and all the ASU meathead and coed eye candy you could ever desire. The only trouble is getting in and that's not too much trouble at all. On any given day, almost no one at the pool actually lives in the complex. You just have to get someone to open the gates for you and you're in like flynn. (I don't really get that expression but I'm gonna use it anyways.) The kids who live there are dropping $1000 a month for the place, but there's no reason the rest of us can't use it for free. With some balls, you can sneak your way into the much more closely guarded multi-use building next to the pool and enjoy free pool, a private movie theater, ping pong, and a gym. Try talking loudly on your cellphone about all the blow you have stored in your room while strolling brazenly through the front entrance wearing some Ed Hardy swim trunks and a popped collar. You'll blend right in. Seriously though, we're there like every other day playing volleyball, so come join.



Thats all folks. Stay cool this summer, and if you have any tips, let the report know.

Does Transformers 2 really suck?

For those who have seen Transformers 2, can anyone tell me if it is like the first one as far as fondling the testes of the U.S. Army? I walked out of that and felt like I'd just sat through a 2 hour advertisement for the American Military. Also, I think some of the disappointed people (rottentomatoes.com has it at about 38%) aren't necessarily expecting a character drama so much as a cohesive, semi-sensical plot. Well, i should say as sensical a plot as you can have while including hundred foot robots. For those who argue that a movie like this doesn't need a plot to be decent, all we need to do is look at other michael bay films.

Exhibit A: The Rock- Definitely Bay's best film, we have lambourghinis racing hummers through San Francisco, Sean Connery being a badass, crazy nerve gas, missiles, football stadiums, national secrets, and an incredibly drawn out runtime. But the plot is cohesive and compelling.

Exhibit B: Bad Boys II- This one had hummers driving through cuban shanty towns, Will Smith being badass, comical references to the KKK, Nelly singing 'shake a tail feather', an incredibly drawn out runtime, and no plot whatsoever. I challenge anyone-other than Moe, who will just start talking about how much he loves will smith- to watch that movie and tell me the script wasn't written by a doped up 13-year-old. My point is that Bay is the best in the business at making big, dumb and incredibly entertaining and quotable pieces of deliciousness, but he needs some sort of stick to wrap all that cotton candy around. Otherwise your hands get all sticky. I haven't seen this yet, but it'll be too bad if there's no cohesiveness.