The times they are a changin'

Well since we last wrote, lets count what's happened.

-Barack Obama was elected president, and the minougherty's froze our collective balls off for 8 hours in order to watch it happen in person. (Pictures coming soon!)

-The Motherfucking Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl? They aren't who we thought they were? (A bunch of losers?)

Jesus.

We have a black president and the cardinals are in the superbowl.

I think this proves once and for all... well it proves nothing, but if you'd asked me a year ago if these two events would happen in tandem I would have spat in your face out of joy and because i like spittin.

In dynamics, we say that when a small change in input creates a drastic shift in output, what results is a catastrophic bifurcation. A way to think of this catastrophic bifurcation would be to imagine all the possible space-times existing together. Every decision of every human, ant, bacteria, and every possible matter interaction is constantly modifying these space-times.

In one space-time, for example, everything in the universe next to ours is exactly the same as in this one, except for the fact that you didn't eat breakfast this morning (or did eat breakfast, or whatever.) You not eating created a little ripple in space-time, splitting the events of that universe ever-so-slightly from the events of this one. Each of these splits is called a bifurcation. Over the span of, say, 1 billion years, the effects of you not eating could very easily spawn events that would drastically split the two universes into something completly unrecognizable from eachother, but in the short term, it's not all that likely to matter.

A catastrophic bifurcation occurs, for example, when a couple hundred thousand people in a few key states decide to change their minds and elect the first non-white leader of the free world or when Larry Fitzgerald catches a leaping pass in the back of the endzone to end 60 years of mediocrity. (You must understand that I'm not equating these two events in order of importance, only in that a relatively small shift in input created a drastic shift in output.)

These inputs don't just have the possibly to change some distant future, they drastically change the present. Where you not eating breakfast caused a ripple in space-time, The decisions of people in North Carolina, Indiana and Pennsylvania created a tsunami. On January 21, our world became immediately and drastically different than it was the day before.

What does it all mean? In dynamics, these jumps are the definition of chaotic behavior. It means that even if we understand all the inputs, they way they interact can create entirely new and previously unthinkable results. Hence sometimes we get some really weird shit going on. The Arizona Cardinals stomping a team that beat them 2 months earlier two days before the inauguration of Barack Obama would be a nice dual example. Do they have a direct link? No. But in the scope of worldwide interaction, they aren't really that far off from eachother. When a system experiences a catastrophe, nothing, not even seemingly unrelated aspects of that system are unaffected.

We root for the underdog and we love Barack's message of Change because humanity, especially young humanity, loves catastrophe. Not the biblical kind, mind you, but the mathematical kind. Catastrophe lets us believe that yes, sometimes, our decisions or our actions do actually effect something more than whether or not we get cranky before lunch.

Speaking of lunch... I'm out.

Getting Mugged by the Tempe Police

The scene of the crime

It's a story regularly featured on the 5 o'clock or in grocery store novels. The unassuming pedestrian, reasonably looking for a shortcut to his destination, turns down an alley, only to be accosted by armed thieves, who strip said pedestrian of their dignity, rights, time and money. Disturbingly, in this first month of 2009, The Muggers wear Badges.

I've been charged with Trespassing on Union Pacific Railroad Right-of-Way, a class 3 misdemeanor that, if I am convicted, will cost me money, time, and a lot of meaningless effort. On Saturday afternoon during the first NFL playoff game between Baltimore and Tennessee, I played the role of the unassuming pedestrian, taking the shortcut from my house on Bonarden over to Jed's on Jentilly. Bonarden just dead ends into the tracks, there is no signs or fences, and cars and city vehicles frequently use the area to turn around. The only indication of the city giving a rats ass what happens in the area is a heavily vandalized and dilapidated sign that reads "NO DUMPING". There is a well worn footpath that leads right down the property line over to the sidewalk on Jentilly. It takes me about a minute to get from my house to his, and I do it every single day. This day was different. In a casual mindset I walked around the corner toward Jentilly and went about ten feet, when from across the tracks I heard someone holler at me. I see two squad cars and 4 or five guys up against the back fence of the auto shop across the tracks. One cop screams at me to get over there, even as i attempt to explain that i am 25 feet from my destination. I reluctantly cross the tracks toward the red faced cop, who angrily, and a bit smugly, yells that I'm going to be charged with trespassing, along with all others present.

 The other people there were from the area, just going to get groceries or cutting a few minutes off their walk home. It is an open accessible area that is convenient for the low income resident of the neighborhood to use as a passageway to the store, their jobs, or recreational facilities. People have been using it for years, and today, the cops are going to make them pay for their logical infringement on a seldom enforced and loosely defined law. I attempt to ask the officer a few questions, which he, of course, hates. I am told to shut up, like everybody else, or i would be arrested and taken downtown. Two people walking their dog emerge from the alley that links up with the auto shop and  Vista del Cerro. They get cited too. A kid who looks like he is coming home from school starts to walk his bike across the tracks from Bonarden. He too, in the eyes of these Cops, is guilty of a criminal offense. After sitting around for 20 minutes silenced, I received my court date. I asked permission to walk back across the tracks to get home, since i never had any intention of crossing till commanded to do so, and was quickly denied. Had to walk around the mail factory to Rural, down to Spence and so on. I walk all the way back to Jed's and see that they are still out there, relentlessly ticketing people for carrying out a part of their daily routine.

There is no crime in walking on accessible paths. There is no crime in taking shortcuts. There is no crime in being a kid going home, or a old man who simply likes to wander roads and alleys. There is, however, a crime in robbing the citizens you are sworn to protect to fill the city's empty wallet. There is a crime in intimidating and threatening people after popping out of a dark alley. 

The Minougherty Report has reasonable suspicion that the poor financial planning of the City of Tempe, in junction with the current financial climate of the country, has put the city and police department a position where it is necessary to steal from the citizenry to stay afloat. Jed will examine the correlation between financial deficits for the city and the number of fines and misdemeanors levied upon the general public in an upcoming Report.

Check Back as the legal battle with the city begins on Jan. 22.

Another college football post (tis the season)

Contrary to Joey's post below, I find college football to be an entertaining but ultimately despicable affair. At least the NFL prides itself on being in it for the money. The NCAA, on the other hand, likes to pretend it cares about the athletes. Anyways this lil article from over at Slate Magazine lays out the absurdity of the BCS system as well as anything else I've ever read. Plus its not written by some jackass over at FoxSports.com <= As a rule those dudes suck ass.

So anyways check out that slate thing...

Wish we had a USC Utah game, with the winner playing Florida. I just really wanna see somebody knock that smug fucking look off uberbro Tebow's face. If I hear one more damn thing about his missionary work and saving babies while he is up on the screen beating his chest like an ape I'm going to need a new tv. I hope he goes pro this offseason so he can descend into mediocrity.

what a fucking prick.

The Insight Bowl v. US Armed Services

College football is my favorite American sport. It has the potential to be a beacon of light in a sports world mired by greedy owners and egomaniacal players. However, due to the postseason format, every college football season ends the same way: a clusterfuck of good teams with no discernible champion, and 30 other bowl games that really, really suck. The Insight Bowl is one of those games. Its great that Tempe still has a bowl game after Glendale stole the Fiesta Bowl from under our noses, but even on a beautiful December day, the last of the year, its hard to get too excited about the Kansas-Minnesota match up. Both teams are 7-5, unranked, and playing for, in the eyes of an unbiased observer, absolutely nothing. The battle on the field was uninspired, with KU clearly superior to a Minnesota squad that displayed nothing even remotely bowl worthy on either side of the ball. Kansas won, beers were 11 bucks, there was no re-entry at halftime, and I'm not a big fan of Midwestern women. Still, it was good to walk into Sun Devil Stadium one time this year without leaving thoroughly disgusted by the Sun Devil football program. 

It being the 31st of december, our trip to the stadium took on different meaning, as we walked backwards a block to ride the light rail for the first time. Things took a strange turn early on, as we walked passed the trailer park on terrace, two old men in a little beat up car drove past and hollered something about getting haircuts and joining the army.... at the Dorsey light rail station 3 heavily armored cars roared past on a mission of certain destruction. The train was packed, and our first attempt at green travel in the valley was thwarted by angry geriatrics who, apparently, cant stand the sweet stench of youth. Without the train, we were forced to walk to the stadium.... 

Planes circled, 5 Members of the US military preformed precision jumps onto the fifty yard line, and three jets streaked by at high speed. A weak postseason matchup was trounced by the demonstration of power put on by the military. Long live football, Say goodbye to Bush's Army.

2009?

Here at the Minougherty Report, we thought the best way to usher in 2009 would be to list a few of the things we learned in 2008 that could help you make it through this next year... We know its gonna be a tight one as far as the money situation goes. Luckily we're ALWAYS broke so we've got lots of tips in that department. 

Lets see

• The pool table at Boulders on Broadway is broken so you can play as much pool as you want there for free. Lots of weird beers, and almost always empty so staff is attentive. 
• Stealing from Safeway, once a sure bet, is not recommended by the Minougherty Report. Security has tightened considerably, although it is still far more lax than anywhere else in Tempe. If you must... optimum hours are between 5:30 and 7:30 p.m. when the store is busiest, and just before close when the security guards have already gone home. Note that theft is a crime and the Minougherty Report does not in any way condone such actions. 
• Don't get a DUI! For fucking serious. The Minougherty Report has been known a time or two to get behind the wheel with beer goggles firmly attached; but no more. Sheriff Joe has cracked down like a motherfucker and you can get nailed with serious jail time with two beers in your system. If they're gonna bust Sir Charles, they sure won't have a problem busting your ass, no matter your cup size. The Minougherty Report currently has an agent undercover in tent city and the reports from inside are bleak. No bongs, no pipes, no hookas, not a single luxury. Sleeping conditions are shit, ice cold in the winter, 115 in the summer, bitch ass guards, no body piercings, and of course the moldy baloney is not a fairy tale. So yeah, ride a bike. Or something. 
• Such as the light rail! If you feel that you haven't been pressed face to jelly roll with enough stupid fat people lately, ride the light rail as much as possible. Better yet, ride a bus. Honestly the light rail is cheap, fast, and easy on the eyes. But 11 o'clock as the last ride? Maybe in Mesa that time works, (I don't think Mormons are allowed to be out that late) but for the rest of us the light rail is nothing but a great way to get stranded in downtown Phoenix for the night. Yeesh.
• Cheaper than Mill:

Palo Verde Lounge

Yucca Tap Room

Pranksters (Try the Irish Nachos)

Time Out Lounge (Have a horizontal i.d. or expect shit. Also don't try to drink from a flask in here, they're perceptive fuckers.)

Sneakers (Way way cheap and the waitresses will give you free drinks. We think it's a mob front. Also half assed carding for those who care.)

• Way cheaper than Mill: House shows (See photo.) They're everywhere. Listen for music and BYOB. Maple/Ash, Hardy and University, and between Spence and the tracks. 

Yeah shit, I guess we didn't really learn that much this year. At least not stuff that will help you. Sorry.

Wait wait, Bugler tobacco is only $1.83 basically everywere. And it doesn't taste that bad. So stop wasting money on pfunks and learn to roll your own death sticks.